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Creative Writing

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Travel

Autumn; The Impending Gloom.


Autumn has always signified the loss of greenery; an affirmation of the colder months. It also acts as one of my main triggers, thereby marking the beginning of my cataclysmic mental breakdown.

I remember standing amid fallen leaves in the school playground, watching my friends throwing them into the air like remnants of wedding confetti being offered to the sky. I remember feeling consumed by inexplicable fear, sinking into myself until their voices merely became sound.

It was only when I grew older that I was able to comprehend the weight of the weather and its correlation with my depression. Autumn marked the start of the colder months, the darker months. There was something suffocating about the shorter days and the impending gloom that would besiege us. It was almost as if the external darkness was somehow magnifying my inner darkness and it all just metamorphosing into a cyclical hell. I now often describe it as feeling like my organs are being compressed into a jar, having to fight for breath in a space devoid of oxygen.

Whilst everyone is enjoying hot chocolates by the fire, preparing for Christmas and revelling in the beauty of this season, I struggle with carrying the weight of this globe on my shoulders and all I can do is fight for survival and trust that I will save myself.

Every Autumn, I write the same words. I don't know whether I'll make it this time.

This year, I'm able to escape to another country but wanted to share this with you because SAD is real and so often misdiagnosed or dismissed. Many have no choice but to exist in this reality and it's not something that they should be made to do alone.

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