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Allegiance To My Only.


The ever-beautiful Nina posted this comment on my blog in response to ‘Growing Up As A Muslim’ and I have found myself reading it almost everyday as a reminder, a means of restoration. 

There are sometimes things that you need to hear or perceive in a tangible form before your brain can recognise, comprehend and accept ideas and views. Maybe it explains why we turn to other people; it's almost as if our bodies feel like they are obliged to somehow validate our thoughts before they can begin to actualise. However, I also believe that the universe has a strange way of bringing words to you precisely when you need them. For example, something led you here, to read this exact sentence. Maybe one day, you’ll draw lines to constellations and remember where this moment led you. And now, for the intricate and remarkable piece in which I hope you will find some truth, a part of yourself, or God.

   *                                                                                               *

'So I've had this page open in my browser for a few days now, thinking of what exactly to say. In the end, I'm not sure what advice I can give, or am even in a rightful position to give, so all I will give to you is my narrative of religion. I came to God and religion in my own way - I am. I do not believe there is a Hell. I believe what we put ourselves through with our repentance, guilt, shame and self-hatred is hell. We create our own hell. I believe in His Mercy and Kindness and Love above all. I cannot believe - I reject the idea that the Being who claims to love me more than 70 mothers would punish me because I took pleasure in a funny movie, because I wanted to look pretty and put on nail polish, because I wanted to feel sexy and put on fitted clothing, or to be perfectly frank with you, because I fell in love and made love to someone outside of marriage or because my body needed something and I gave it or because I fell in love with someone of the 'wrong' gender.

I believe He would see me, the essence of my soul, the person who is constantly and consistently trying to do her best to be a good person, to do the right things, to find value in people, to encourage, support and love others, to never hurt someone else, to never cause pain to another living creation. I believe these are the important things - how much pain I caused, how much love I gave, how much I relieved someone of their suffering, how much of another's burden I lightened.

Obey God, by all means. But find Him first. And do not rely on the words, interpretations and customs of others to do so. Come to your own understanding of God. And please, please, please, my lovely friend. Come to the understanding that He resides in all of us. Come to the understanding that He is the moment of gratitude you feel when the sunlight warms your bones, He is the smile on your face when you look in the mirror admiring a new hairdo, He is the love you feel when you hug your best friend, He is in the contentment you feel when you're cuddling a puppy, He is the anger you feel when witnessing some injustice. He should be and is the peace in your life.

And this is what I want to end with - please remember that it is a sin in Islam to think you are superior to anyone - but it is also a sin to think you are inferior to anyone. You are a wonderful person, someone who has fought and is fighting a hard battle. Jihad is the betterment of the self. You are on your jihad. Do not let the interpretations of others mar that for you. Love yourself. Love who you are and know that you, as you are, are a part of God and He is a part of you and He would never reject you. Maybe you have not followed the tenets of Islam as we are taught them - but it does not reflect on your worth as a human being or as a Muslim. If you did something you believed was a sin, you can always come back. You can always repent. My memory fails me but there is a hadith that says true repentance and praise of God will wipe away sins even if they are as much as the foam of the ocean. So please don't give up hope. Don't give up your faith. If you are angry, rage at Him (and believe me, I have. I have done just that, refused to believe in Him, refused to speak to Him.) But if you still believe, then yes, do exactly what you said, start over, disregard everything, question everything, find your own path, find your own way and let no one interfere. God is who you are, what you are, where you are, and everything else.'

1 comment

  1. Tbh, I don't a hundred percent agree to what Nina said. I'm not supposed to either. Every person has his or her own interpretation of religion; however I do believe in hell. The beginning of surah ghausia ( surah 88) is a depiction of what hell would be like. Also, Allah loves us more than 70 mothers, but you'll be forgiven if you ask for it. May Allah forgive our sins of the known and the Unknown. Ameen.

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