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The Monsters Are All Missing.


For giving me life, I thank you EMDR. 

Letting go of the trauma that my body had stored was truly remarkable, it’s terrifying how much pain the human body can hoard and remember without even being aware of its own presence.  

Being in remission is strange, it feels like everything is starting to get better, you begin to think rationally and clearly and you start to see what's right in front of you, it's almost like you can finally make out the cars that are on the road ahead. You stop thinking about death, you stop seeing obstructions, the traffic is moving now, you’re heading in the right direction. It's a peculiar feeling because it's foreign to your body, you're not entirely sure how to deal with it and you wonder whether this is what normal people feel like. You start to consider what you need to do now and how you can retain this sentiment. Can you capture it in a bottle and drink it every time you lose yourself?

Everything is still in your mind but it's like something inside your body has shifted and you have to sort through the remnants of information that are still floating around and identify what it is that you want and need. The world looks different now. Your memories are different. It’s like a stranger lived that part of your life and it feels distant from your current existence. You find yourself humming, smiling, looking around at the sky instead of gravity dictating your movements to the ground. You feel taller, lighter, more able, whole. You feel worthy of life.

I'm looking forward, thinking about all of the dreams I’ve ever had and whether they are still things that will make me happy. I’m in a transitory period, there is no trauma left in my veins and I must figure out where to go from here. I was living a restrained version of life because my body was safeguarding itself from threat, confined to the physiological fight or flight response. I wasn’t able to feel the things that I wanted to feel, the things that I was supposed to feel because everything was obscured by darkness, threat. I couldn’t see. I just couldn’t see anything, for 25 years. 


Everything feels brand new. I'm experiencing things that I didn't know it was possible to feel. It's crazy, impossible, miraculous, but I'm here, now, in this moment, and I'm happy.

When I look into the mirror, I don't recognise the person in the reflection. It’s almost as if I’ve been detached from my own body and am learning to exist and inhabit this space. I feel alive for the first time in my life, I am hopeful and absolute. I just need to learn who I am without the sadness. I need to learn how to live.

Please don’t be evanescent. Please.

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