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Swinging Off of My Own Hinges.


When studying for my Masters, I woke up every morning, had breakfast and then sat down to write at my desk. I lost myself in the solitude of my own mind, allowed the words to pave the path of my thoughts and gave them a voice, creating worlds; characters, memories. 

Every space in between the lines was embedded with connotation.

Each day I would shed, cleanse. It became a ritual. I was in touch with myself, in touch with my thoughts. I was in my own body; present. Starting my morning this way became the foundation for my existence. I felt lighter, empowered. I felt strength.

I miss being able to write for the sake of cleansing and sorting through my head. I miss being able to write for the sake of creating and exploring the depths of my mind, for the sake of healing, rationalising, for the sake of coming to terms with my suffering and working through the darkness. It was a time in my life where I felt the closest to who I wanted to be and yet I was alone, content. 

My body was working in harmony with itself.

I’m going to begin to write everyday, I’m going to try to hear my own voice and capture it in this space. I’ve lost my way and I don’t know who I am anymore; I’m not being creative, I’m not writing.

I need to cleanse, heal, survive.

When people ask me to describe a time in my life where I felt whole, that was it. I felt able, strong, I was close to God. I don’t know where that is now. I work in digital marketing where everything is about measurement, performance of campaigns, impact. I don’t know how to measure my own progress. I don’t know how to measure my own success.

I just want to be.

Still. Stillness. Harmony.

I just want to silence the voice in my head and I think the only way that I know how is to allow it to speak, to preserve it on paper so it no longer feels the need to remain within my body.

I’m going to stop editing, censoring, filtering. After all, how can I heal myself through contrived words? Through limitation, restriction? This is my space.
(Image Source: here)

1 comment

  1. You are stronger, wiser and more inspirational then you'll ever know. Be true to yourself, and never be afraid to write xxx

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